Zero Is The Loneliest Number

So you’ve spent the entire weekend without physically interacting with another human soul. You’re probably feeling like this:

How do you pull out of this mute zombie state?

First, know that you are not alone. Up to 66% of the population under 40 have gone through exactly what you are experiencing now.

You have two options: ride out the wave, or ditch your surfcouch and head for shore.

If you choose to ride it out, know this: you will die. Maybe not right away, but eventually if you don’t leave your couch the dust mites will slowly devour your flesh until your body turns to liquid and becomes one with the sofa, finally putrefying into a perfect skeleton frozen in time in what the scientists have deemed “binge mode”. Needless to say, it’s not a pretty picture.

Option two allows you to live, but be careful you don’t muck it up by re-entering society too quickly which can also result in a death but of the social sort. We recommend following these maneuvers if you want to engage and survive.

1st Maneuver

Don sunglasses. Your baby blues are not used to the harsh daytime sunlight so proper protection is necessary. The darker the better. If you’re a dude and all you have are giant Jackie-O ladies sunglasses lying around, then go with those. This is not a time to worry about vanity. Safety first as you rejoin the civilized world.

Maneuver 2

Don’t immediately interact with the first person you see. This is where those you have recently come off a bing make a critical mistake. You’ve been starved for human interaction for so long that the knee-jerk reaction is often to shout “HOW ARE YOU?! I’M GREAT!! IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU!!” to the first person you encounter. Or the newly reinserted will go a step further and wrap their arms around the initial human discovered. Hugs are always appreciated, but your current state will cause the recipient to scream and flee because it’s a desperate act by an interaction starved person.

Maneuver The Third

After you’ve passed a few people on the street you can begin to consider eye contact. Start small: a quick stab of connective eye contact as you cross paths with another human being. You’ll begin to feel more comfortable the more folks that walk by. Now a subtle smile and nod may be deployed to the passer-by.

Disclaimer: do Not skip ahead. If you mess up the sequencing and jump directly to the fourth maneuver (which is highly advanced) you could subject yourself to psychological distress and possible physical imprisonment.

Fourth Maneuver

Coffeeshop, bodega, or bistro. It is time to speak words to another member of your race. Dogs don’t count. But if you do happen to pass a canine feel free to engage in a good rub behind the ears, it will only aid in your reestablishment.

Walk up to the counter and open your mouth. Pat your lips together a few times to engage the muscles (they have no doubt atrophied from lack of use). Think about the words you wish to speak before you do so. Not having a proper sentence formed in your frontal cortex leads to the blurting of unfortunate phrases such as, “You and Me for Happy!” Or, “So we here, my baby!” And, “You have hands like I have hands so we both have hands…” Form the sentence: “Hello. A small coffee, please.” This is not the time to disseminate questions, even innocent ones such as, “How are you?” for you are not ready for that yet. Begin with what you want: a coffee (or tea). And then pay the good person.

High Five Maneuver

I caution even mentioning this final move because it is highly advanced, so heed the warning. If there are children around it is often easier to enlist their aid, but the final form the fully reacclimatize yourself with society is for physical contact. With kids you can just put up your hand and say, “High five,” and nine times out of then they will comply. But if there are no young adults on the premises then you must choose to either throw up a hand for the barista when he/she produces your beverage or with another patron in said shop. It can be scary, but this final step, the touch of another human, is vital to breaking the bingewatching spell. It’s almost as simple as flipping a switch, because once this final high to the five happens, you will be Back, baby! And that lost weekend will be a thing of the past.