Vacation Plans

So you wanna get away, eh?

But do you really want to get away? Truly commit to it?

If so, then we have some choices for you. We’ve kept these picks to the Northern Hemisphere. If you want to go “full nossing” and escape completely from the shackles of modern tech then may we recommend joining the Mongolian nomads. Visit your local backpacking shop and purchase a yurt, an eagle, and a little 150cc Honda motorcycle. Then head for Ulaanbaatar and pretty much gun it in any direction. You will soon find yourself still on Earth but indeed in the middle of nowhere.

Option 1: Deep Sea Fishing

Head to the closest oceanic port you can find. Locate the saltiest, oldest local who still operates a fishing vessel designed to go waaaay out. I’m talking so far out that the conversation at some point will turn to, “do we have enough fuel to get back?” If the salty old dog wants to go fight some marlin, fantastic. Great whites? Even better. Orcas? Now you’re really getting after it.

Because you are so far out at sea none of your high tech gizmos will work. We recommend bringing them anyway and then feeding them to the Great White, one tasty tablet at a time. It angers the massive creatures which is all the better as you want the full immersive experience of Nature with a capital N.

It is best to stay out for at least three days or until all the food runs out completely. Likewise with the fuel. Try to make it so you are on fumes and unsure that you will make it and may have to swim the last two kilometers to shore. Every vacation should end this way.

The Deuce: The Badlands

There’s a movie called Badlands starring Emilio Estevez’s pops Marty Sheen and Carrie from the Stephen King movie Carrie. Bruce The Springsteen once wrote a song called Badlands which wraps up with the lyric: “I wanna spit in the face of these Badlands.” I don’t want you to spit in the face of the area. I’m not even sure how one would go about spitting in the face of a geographical location. As far as I can tell the Badlands are 250,000 acres of a whole lotta nothin’. There’s butts and buttes and abutments I’m sure also. And eons of grasslands as far as the eye can see.

Our recommended itinerary starts with renting a dune buggy, stocking it full of Dinty Moore, Wild Turkey, & a rifle and seeing which way the wind blows you. The Badlands aren’t as bad as you may initially think. It’s not like you’re gonna die or nothin’. You may get mildly charged by a bison, followed by a team of prairie dogs, and possibly forced into some cuddling with a bighorn sheep, but this is the place to embrace our furry friends and remember that these wild animals still exist when you get out in the wild world.

Three: Black Bear Hibernation in Saskatchewan

Every autumn our black bear friends chow down like you normally do at Thanksgiving, only they keep it up for a few weeks and consume a whopping 20,000 calories per day so that they can put on three daily pounds. They need to pack on the fat in their love handles to ensure they’ll make it through their deep snooze from December to springtime.

But once the big thaw happens it’s time for the black bears to emerge from their caves looking like supermodels before the big Victoria’s Secret TV show taping. You go girl-bear!

If you haven’t seen the documentary Grizzly Man then this getaway is right for you. Purchase a big pair of binoculars, the kind that could spot a dung beetle atop an anthill from 2,000 yards, pull out some beef jerky, and enjoy the bears re-entry into the world.

The Final Four: Offline in Oaxaca

Run for the border! Or take a plane to Mexico City and start from there. You are embarking upon a journey to take the whole family down south to Oaxaca, Mexico to learn the ancient art of creating the sweetest nectar the gods produce: Mezcal.

First: make sure that all of your kids are properly microchipped. If it’s good enough for your dachsund, Shorty then it’s necessary for little Sally too. We are traversing into the heart of big booze and it is importante that in case someone is kidnapped or their body discarded in an irrigation ditch, that identification be possible. We at nossing may hope to rid you of your addicted attachment to technology but we are big against identity theft.

Once the kiddies have been properly prepped in the art of pistolas and plantains, visit the village known as Santo Nacho and ask for Hank. This will seem an odd directive but Hank is just his cover name and he can lead you to the purest agave in the world.

Spend the next week sampling, cooking, and bathing with Hank’s mezcal. See if you can become so filled with mezcal that you sweat mezcal. Once you’ve had a twenty minute conversation with a burro and understood all of her answers, you will know that the mission is complete and it is time to go. But do manage to sneak a few bottles of the truth serum into your luggage for the voyage back to the world of Iphones, Alexas, and Apps will leave you gobsmacked. “Para todo mal, mezcal, y para todo bien, también.“