Phubbing

“Snubbing a person in favor of your phone.”

How to deal with this human?

Fortunately we at Nossing have spent countless hours in the field testing out various situational options for when such disrespect occurs.

Recourse #1

Discreetly stick your finger down your throat and throw up all over the person’s phone & hand. Now you have their attention.

Recourse #2

Start speaking directly to the rude individual in a made-up gibberish language and see how long it takes for them to notice your existence. Increase your volume accordingly.

Recourse #3

Depending on your level of relationship with this biped, slowly slide within their personal space and plant a big old smooch directly on the lips. Hold until he/she smooches back. If no resmooch occurs, pick up your belongings and leave, never looking back. This mortal may kiss their phone for all you care but they do not deserve your sweet lips any longer!

Recourse #4

If it’s a drastic ignore, then dramatic measures are necessary. First, remove an electric cattle prod from your bag and zap the dolt in the ribs. The mortal will now be on the floor incapacitated and most likely in the fetal position. Place the phone on their forehead. Squat over their head and release your bowels (defecation or urination, it’s up to you depending on surroundings and the level of sauciness you’re feeling) all over their mouth, nose, eyes, and phone. If there is a tab to be settled you will now want to quickly pay the bill, leave a substantial tip, and exit the premises. And get yourself some soft serve on the way home, you deserve it.

Recourse #5

It’s an oldie but goodie: simply snatch the phone out of their hands and fling it (preferably like a Frisbee for maximum velocity & distance) as far as you can, aiming for some structure holding water, a fountain or fishtank will do. Then high five the nearest waiter, barista, bartender, or patron.